Dear Big Sis,

A letter within a letter, if you will.

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Dear My Date From Last Tuesday,

Thank you for buying my pasta dinner. It was delicious, and a revelation that I can get such yummy, healthy-ish Italian food 5 minutes from my house. I will surely be returning there on a regular basis to get more of it.

But I won't be returning with you.

You see, there were a few things you did on our date that I deemed inappropriate and a total turn-off. For ease of reading, I shall break these faux pas into bullet points, so you can better process them and not fuck up the next date with someone else.

One.

When your date sits down and removes her button-down to reveal a modest tank top (after being outside in 95 degree Texan weather), overly awkward remarks about how "scandalous" it is for her to dress so "revealing" doesn't endear you to her, 10 minutes in, but instead makes her question not only her clothing choices, but your common sense too. Jokingly criticizing your date's clothes is a no-go. Implicitly calling her a whore? Also a bad idea, even if you are attempting sarcasm.

Two.

When your date puts her button-down back on when the restaurant has ramped up the A/C, commenting on her body's fluctuating temperatures by loudly asking/accusing her: "What are you, bipolar!?" is prooobably not going to get you laid. Ever. Especially when your date is, in fact, bipolar. To quote my favorite Liz Lemon of all the Liz Lemons, "that's a deal breaker!!" You are not only showing your complete insensitivy to individuals who have mental health conditions, but you show a woeful misunderstanding of what bipolarity really is. A quick lesson- being bipolar has nothing to do with fluctuating body temperatures.

A side point- don't talk about her body. And by you, I don't mean some general you. I mean you. Discussing a first date's body requires deftness of tone and the ability to be witty, two things you are greatly lacking.

Three.

When your date cannot remember immediately how old you are, don't aggressively ask her how many other women she is talking to. I didn't immediately recall how old you are because I'm talking up all the other ladieez, but because I have shitty memory (thanks, medications!), and also, your age really isn't that important to me. And since when did either of us agree that talking to other women is forbidden? We're on a first date, yo!

Four.

Spending the whole date talking about your fucked up family, all the jobs you've hated, and the details of your ex-relationships? Not a good idea.

Five.

Going on about your co-worker's revealing clothes and "porn shoes" just reinforces the budding suspicions planted by points one and three. That you have no problem slut-shaming women.

Six.

Admitting at dinner that you freaked out while on the phone previously when your date called your outing what it is: a date. I'm not sure why it wouldn't be a date, since we met on an online dating site, but not sounding enthused to use that label is worrying.

Alright My Date From Last Tuesday, I think that captures most of it. Because I'm feeling somewhat charitable, things you did right: laughed at most of my jokes. Told me a few times that I have a very outgoing, relatable personality. Buying me dinner. (Not because I'm old fashioned. I'm just poor and don't like to pay for shit. Ha!) Giving my unemployed ass a pretty solid job suggestion. And finally, hugging me goodbye instead of trying to kiss me (see points one through six).

Not yours,

Your Date From Last Tuesday

PS. If it makes you feel better, I went on an outing Friday with another woman, and we toootally meshed. I am optimistic that she will soon become a significant part of my life.

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Thanks Big Sis, I needed to get that off my chest. I'm relatively new to the dating scene (late bloomer like whoa), and going on bad dates is somewhat frustrating for me. Despite my previously mentioned outgoing personality, I can be slightly awkward on first dates, and being on one with a person twice as bad does. not. help.

Love,

Little Sis